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Dateline: Paradise

550px-Map_of_countries_by_GDP_(nominal)_in_US$by Freeman Rogers   From The BVI beacon

Tiny nations blamed for world’s woes

The world’s largest countries will no longer allow themselves to be victimised by tiny nations around the globe, leaders agreed at the recent G8 Summit in Northern Ireland.

In a lengthy declaration, G8 members laid out a comprehensive strategy to fight back against what they called “decades of abuse.”

“For years, we have known that tiny nations like the Virgin Islands and the Cayman Islands have facilitated tax evasion,” the declaration states. “Now we have come to realise that they are also responsible for global warming, famine, civil wars, and the inexplicable popularity of Justin Beiber, among other horrible scourges. They must be stopped.”

Though the victimisation goes back decades, its full extent only came to light when the global recession started in 2008, United States President Barack Obama explained after the summit.

“We had to explain over and over again to our voters that we had nothing to do with the recession, which was caused by small tax havens,” Mr. Obama said. “Naturally, we then started asking ourselves what other evils are committed by tiny nations. We were shocked by what we discovered.”

New labels

Now, G8 countries are ramping up their efforts to expose the truth. To that end, leaders unveiled several new terms with which to label tiny nations.

“The term ‘tax haven’ is no longer sufficient,” the declaration states. “It doesn’t properly describe the extent of tiny nations’ depravity.”

Moreover, the leaders said, the term doesn’t differentiate between offshore financial centres and G8 jurisdictions that operate in a similar manner, like Delaware and London.

“We needed a new label that creates a visceral reaction among the general public,” the declaration states.

The leaders toyed with several options before settling on “dens of iniquity.” They’ll phase in the term this year, with tentative plans to switch to “nests of evil” and “Gomorrahs” in 2014 if necessary.

“These new labels will help voters in our countries understand our commitment to rooting out evil and making the world a better place,” United Kingdom Prime Minister David Cameron explained.

He added that he won’t shy away from branding his country’s own overseas territories with the new terms — a decision he defended strongly.

“The labels could have been much harsher,” he said. “We also considered ‘terrorist lairs’ and ‘swamps of festering evil,’ for example. But we don’t wish to bully tiny nations: We only want to shed light on the truth — and to get re-elected in 2015.”

Saving the world

The declaration insists that tiny nations accede to a list of demands:

• end the global economic recession by 2014;

• raise GDP in all G8 countries by 20 percent by 2020;

• reverse global warming;

• end poverty;

• rid the world of reality television; and

• expose Justin Beiber as an annoying teenager whose talent is limited at best.

Any tiny nation unwilling to meet the demands will be put on a “red list” and subsequently obliterated from the face of the earth.

At the upcoming G20 meeting, which will be themed “Dens of Iniquity No More,” leaders of the world’s 20 richest economies are expected to consider further demands and sanctions.

As the international media began reporting on the G8 leaders’ declaration, protests broke out around the world, with many G8 citizens calling for tiny nations to pay reparations to larger countries.

In the United States, Republicans and Democrats came together and passed a resolution condemning the nations for fomenting political discord in that country since 2008.

The leaders of many tiny nations are widely believed to have reacted angrily to the G8 declaration. But international media outlets, which have quickly adopted the “Dens of Iniquity” label, have no immediate plans to report their responses.

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