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The thirstiest moments of 2019 (so far)

By Jess Joho From Mashable

Thirst is universal. While not always sexy, feeling parched for love and attention is part of what makes us human.

So we at Mashable have helpfully gathered a comprehensive list of the absolute thirstiest moments of 2019 so far. Whether they left us sweaty and cringing or dripping and lusty, there’s no denying that these folks are wading through a sea of horny. 

Hot Priest unanimously crowned Thirst King of the century

This isn’t a love story. It’s a thirst trap.

Fleabag Season 2’s Hot Priest did what no swol Jesus crucifixion statue ever could: It made the Catholic church sexy AF. From fashion-forward holy robes to light BDSM confessionals, Hot Priest isn’t just a phenomenon. He’s the second cumming of our Father in thirst, horny be thy name.

This might be recency bias, but we’re willing to bet nothing and no one will dethrone our Father of the Year — and yes calling him Father does turn us on just to say it.

Michael Cohen’s fake ‘Women for Cohen’ Twitter account

Though low on his innumerable list of crimes, Michael Cohen’s fake ‘Women for Cohen’ Twitter account insisting on his sexiness is high on our list of thirstiest moments.

Cohen appears to have been the only exception to the internet’s infamous rule 34 — stating that if it exists, there’s porn of it. So Mr. Fix It decided to take matters into his own hands. In January, a Wall Street Journal article revealed that the former Trump lawyer not only created a fake account to thirst after himself in 2016, but actively retweeted and interacted with it for years.

Though since deleted (add another crime to his long list), the internet immortalized Cohen’s cringiest attempts to crown himself a sex symbol. Asdocumented by the Washington Post, here are a few choice excerpts:

You look even more sexy! But the closest doppelgänger for sure!#ourguy#awesome

— Women For Cohen (@WomenForCohen) September 1, 2016

Haters can’t handle knowing that women love a REAL man! #pitbull#realman

— Women For Cohen (@WomenForCohen) September 10, 2016

Best looking men award goes to 👇🏻 We love you guys!#ThankYouTour2016#MakeAmericaGreatAgain

— Women For Cohen (@WomenForCohen) December 3, 2016

Look at that stud @MichaelCohen212 Great to see you in between two beautiful ladies @DiamondandSilk#RNCinCLE

— Women For Cohen (@WomenForCohen) July 21, 2016

No wonder @realDonaldTrump chose @MichaelCohen212 as his right hand man! He’s charming, intelligent, & handsome!

— Women For Cohen (@WomenForCohen) May 7, 2016

Captain America’s patriotic ass

From cheek to shining cheek
From cheek to shining cheek

What else can we say other than that certainly is America’s ass, Cap.

Actually, we have a lot more to say on this iconic Avengers: Endgamemoment. But to summarize, this display of thirst truly stands out because it achieves the impossible: It makes patriotism in 2019 kind of OK. But only for a brief, skin-tight second. 

Drake being in his feelings about the NBA playoffs

Someone please get Drake court-side assistance because this boy was absolutely parched throughout the NBA playoffs. 

While not new, the rapper’s thirst for the Raptors’ reached peak horny when he started doing shit like giving coach Nick Nurse a shoulder massage. There were too many other astounding feats of annoying antics to cover here, but some highlights include him trying to beef with Steph Curry, calling Draymond Green “trash,” and several performative hold-me-back-bro gestures.

Sophie Turner spills the tea on Arya’s sex life

Season 8 of Game of Thrones was almost unanimously hated by critics and fans alike. But one thing is inarguable: Arya Stark won the whole goddamn game (spoiler alert ahead). Not only did she save the entire world from wintery annihilation, but on the same exact night, she also lost her virginity to a sexy blacksmith. Yas. Kween.

The thirstiest part of it, though, wasn’t the actual act. It was when Maisie Williams’ on-screen sister and off-screen BFF Sophie Turner posted an Instagram celebrating her Stark sister’s sexual conquest. Turner might’ve spilled “the tea” — but what she’s actually sipping is wine, the official drink of Thirstiness.

We all want to bang this Hot Abe Lincoln statue now?

In February, an Abe Lincoln statue went viral for being tall, dark, handsome, and f******* packing.

Hot Abe might be made of stone and several centuries deceased, but he’s also rock hard all over and ready to go to war for basic human rights. The statue is not only shirtless but also striking a pose that says, “Hey girl, you wanna emancipate my **** tonight?”

Pete Davidson and Kate Beckinsale give each other CPR

Who can forget the kiss seen around the world by everybody, and universally wanted by nobody (especially live witness and victim Atoni from Queer Eye).

We’re talking about Pete Davidson snagging Kate Beckinsale as a rebound after Ariana Grande perpetuated the mystique around his baffling BDE. 

This culminated in a picture capturing a severely distressing case of PDT (public display of thirst), as the two violently swapped spit at a New York Rangers-Washington Capitals game. Thirst Season didn’t stop there for them, though. The two continued to mack out in front of cameras like rebellious teens hoping to be caught by their parents.

Ultimately, it didn’t work out for these crazy kids. But you know what they say: the thirstiest stars burn the fastest.

KFC trying to make us horny for Colonel Sanders

We still don’t want to eat KFC, but we now kinda want to bang it.

In April, the fried chicken fast food chain introduced the world to what they called the “Virtual Influencer Colonel.” He is a CGI f****boy iteration of their classic mascot, who seems just as likely to hit on you at a bar with an invitation to guest star on his podcast as he is to sell you chicken.

Congratulations, KFC. You made diarrhea fast food horny. You sick, twisted, geniuses.

Marvel + Valkyrie = ❤️

After Captain Marvel‘s release, Brie Larson  retweeted artwork shipping Captain Marvel and Valkyrie together. Tessa Thompson, who plays Valkyrie, already confirmed she sees Valkyrie as bi, while Larson heavily implied she’s pushing for Marvel to have an openly queer superhero.

Setting up the sex swing

Cara Delevingne and Ashley Benson fulfilled our domestic dreams with images capturing them doing Normal House Stuff, like carrying in their sex swing from the car. 

The U.S. Women’s soccer team, champions of thirst

The U.S. Women’s soccer team didn’t just win yet another world cup. Their true champion spirits only came to light when they were revealed to be the booziest, most BDE sports team on the planet.

If you’ve been following their well-documented celebrations on social media, you know that these ladies have basically not stopped drinking champagne since they won on Sunday. As is their god-given right as queens. 

But no amount of bubbly alcoholic drink could quench our overwhelming thirst for them.

Everywhere she goes, Rapinoe is followed by fanatical shouts of “Pinoe! Pinoe! Pinoe!” Her ombre purple hair style has become iconic. I don’t care who you are: If you’re not horny for the team co-captain, you might want to check for a pulse.

And to really send us over the edge, she’s using her spotlight to absolutely dunk on Donald Trump at every chance.

We started this list with our Thirst King of 2019. Fittingly, we end by bequeathing our Thirst Queens. Pay the U.S. Women’s Soccer team what they deserve — especially in Gatorade sponsorships — since they’ve single-handedly sold gallons of it as people desperately try to hydrate through their thirst.

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